“So, there we were, at the end of the date, sitting on the couch at her place. We’re kissing, but every time I try to get things progressing to the next level, she pulls away. “Did I do something wrong?” I ask myself.
I run back the evening in my mind. The date went well. We shared stories about our childhood and college years, our dreams and accomplishments. I made sure to listen more than I spoke. We laughed, shared deep prolonged eye contact, and it felt like we connected on a deep level. So why, now at the end of the date, are we stalling on the physical intimacy?
It’s not the first time I had been in this situation, and I was becoming concerned that it wouldn’t be the last time either. I don’t have any problem getting on dates, but once I’m in the midst of them, things seem to slow down and get complicated. How do I kiss a girl and make her want more?”
This was a message from one of my students a few weeks ago. After a quick coaching session, his next message was as follows, “Thanks for the advice. I applied what you told me on last night’s date, and the outcome was completely different. I kissed my date on her doorstep and fifteen minutes later we were in her bed. It was such a simple fix, I still can’t believe I didn’t think of it myself.” This is a problem a lot of guys have. There are three tips I gave this student that helped in this situation; and prepared him for similar future situations.
1) Make Her Feel Safe. Verbalize your feelings with her and assure her that she is in a safe space with you. This is best done before the physical intimacy begins. Make sure you tell her that you’re a firm believer in complete consent and that you will never pressure her beyond her comfort zone. If you sense resistance during a make-out, you can reiterate this, and even offer to take a break for a few minutes.
2) Demonstrate Restraint. During the first real make out session, which could be the first kiss or shortly after, make sure you are the one to dis-engage first. It’s better to leave her wanting more than to give her the impression you don’t have self-control. If she’s still into it, you can re-engage immediately; but it’s important to demonstrate that you are in control of your own actions and impulses. After all, you assured her she would be safe with you. Time to demonstrate that.
3) Learn Her Kiss. The first few times you kiss a woman, pay attention to how she is kissing you. The way she kisses is typically how she wants to be kissed. So if she leans in and kisses you hard and passionately, follow that lead. If she is a bit more bashful, with softer, sweeter kisses, take things a bit slower. If she’s really good, she will also be looking for you to do the same, so don’t be afraid to change things up a little bit to give her clues about what you like. It’s very much like a conversation without words; or a lips and tongue dance.
These three simple steps will help ensure the woman you’re kissing feels safe and in control. Which will encourage her to further the interaction faster than if she was concerned about her safety or your ability to control yourself. I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve said, “we can stop if that’s what will make you feel comfortable,” only to have my date instigate increasing the physical intimacy immediately after.