Ask the Dating Coach Blog

Adam Lyons Dating Advice

Dating Tip: The Best Way To Get Someone’s Phone Number

6 min read

Talking to someone and getting their phone number sounds like it’s a pretty natural course of conversation, but how do you get from a respectful introduction to asking for digits?

If you meet somebody cool, and you want to get their phone number, this is one of the absolute best ways to go about it. What’s really fascinating about when you meet somebody and you’re talking to them, there’s this moment where it’s like, how do I get their phone number? How do I actually take it a step further? In fact, any good text conversation can really only happen once you’ve gotten their number.

Now what’s great about what I’m about to share with you is that this particular message can work whether you’re dating online or in person. You can use it either way, but what we want to do, and this is something that I really want to get you guys to understand, is we want to make it. so the very first message is sent from them, not from you, and I’ll explain why. 

How to Get the Other Person to Message First

If I meet someone, get their phone number, and I send them a text message I’m then going to sit around and wait for them to message me. If they don’t message me, it’s going to feel like a rejection. On the other hand, if I can get them to message me first and I can get them to send the correct text message to me, I have one that actually has them putting in some effort. 

Then the fear of non-response is on them. I’ll respond very, very quickly. It’s going to make them think, Oh wow, that person actually likes me. This was a good connection. Right? So I want all of the pressure of the relationship to flip.

So it’s not me getting their phone number and I message them. It’s them getting my phone number and they message me. But I’m the one that’s going to put this out there. 

I’ve got to put it in their head that they need to message me first. 

Here’s how we do it. 

You’re going to say, “You know what? I’ve really enjoyed this conversation. And I would love to do it again sometime if you’re interested.” Then we pause. We’re not actually asking for a phone number. We’re asking them to confirm whether they enjoyed the conversation and if they would like to do it again someday. So it’s not obligating them to do it again tomorrow or even the pressure of asking for a date.

Know if the conversation was fun and you’ve had an actual good conversation, which should be consider exchanging phone numbers, by the way, they should be very open to doing this and to having a conversation with you. So we’re looking for a simple, yes or no. 

While it’s possible to get a no at this point, it’s unlikely, especially considering your initial conversation was enjoyable. If they do say no, it was probably not someone interesting enough to date anyway.

From that point, then we can move into the next part.

Maintaining Contact

After they agree to speak with you again, you can say, “Okay, great. What’s the best way of staying in touch?” 

Now they’re going to give you the best method of staying in touch. Don’t have an expectation of the best method. It might be Facebook and you think only Facebook counts, but they want to give you Instagram or, you know, in your head it might be a phone number, but they give you an email. 

It doesn’t matter what they give. You just accept it. Because if you don’t accept their preferred method of communication, then you’re actually rejecting them and this whole situation falls down. 

If you have a very specific method you want, like, for example, if you really want their phone number, but they give you their Instagram, then there’s a really good way that we can transition and work with it.

So for example, if I ask for the best way to stay in touch and she says Instagram, I take her Instagram. Now, once I have it, we’ve made a commitment to stay in touch. Once somebody agrees to stay in touch with you, then we can get a second form of communication because we already know we’re going to stay in touch in one place, so there’s no problem with having multiple. If I say I don’t do Instagram, I just rejected them. And because of a psychological principle known as reciprocation, if I reject them, they’re going to reject me. And that’s why we don’t want to do it. 

So we just say, “Oh, that’s great.” Take it down and say, “You know what, though? I’m far more active on my phone or I’m far more active via email, or I’m far more active on Facebook, whatever it is.

And then the minute they agree, I’m going to get a second form of communication. That’s the one I prefer. So either way you get the communication that you want now, odds are, you can just accept the first one and that’s good enough because we’re going to get them to message you first. And here’s how we do it. 

We say, “Hey, do me a favor. I meet a whole bunch of people. And just so I know that you’re not random, send me a message right now so I know it’s you.” Now in a world where we deal with bots and scammers and everything, it is a completely legitimate request to ask me to message you, to confirm that is the real person. Then they will agree and ask you what they should send you.

I say, “Send me your favorite pun or dad joke.” 

Now this completely shifts this conversation. Instead of it being like a pickup or a date or anything along those lines, when making it fun, we’re making it a game. We’re making it so we can trade funny gifts, memes, and jokes, which is what most people spend their time on the internet doing.

So we want to make it so this other person has a private message with you where you’re trading those same kinds of things you do with friends. Because the only people in their world that they spend time trading messages like this with are the people they like. 

We do this by putting all the pressure on them to get it started, and we know that this is a great conversation when they’re going to enjoy having, and they’re going to share with you their best jokes, and then you can laugh and respond with yours.

And now you’re in an amazing text thread conversation. And if you go back to the very beginning, you’ll see that they’re the one that started it. So that’s a very simple way to make it work. There are a few components to this method, but as long as you put it all together, you should find it’s a piece of cake to get someone’s contact information.

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