Ask the Dating Coach Blog

Adam Lyons Dating Advice

How To Get Someone’s Phone Number From A Dating Site

5 min read

It happens a lot: you’re talking to somebody in a dating app and you want to get their phone number. What is the correct way to do it? Now, this is a little bit of a process, but if done correctly, you’re going to find that it has a very high chance of success. 

Somebody is going to send you their phone number. 

Step 1: Ask About Their Favorites

To start, you need to identify a few very important things from somebody. You need to identify their favorite food, type of movie, and their ideal place to people watch.

Now, we specifically use these three things because these are activities that almost everyone does. Everybody eats and usually has a favorite type of food. Everybody usually has some kind of movie or TV genre that they like watching. And everybody usually has a place that they like to people watch, whether it’s a bar or a coffee shop, or just hanging out in the park. 

Once you’ve identified all three of these things, which you’re going to do throughout your regular texting conversation, you’re then going to say to somebody, “Hey, you know what I was thinking?” And then you’re going to list the three things, you know they love doing. 

Let’s just say that their favorite type of food is sushi, favorite type of movies are horror film, and their favorite place to people watch is a coffee shop. Here’s what I’d say:

Hey, you know what? Sometime we should totally go to a coffee shop, do some people watching, grab some sushi, and then go watch this new horror movie.

Be specific with the name of the movie; keep it current. Right now, what we’re looking for is a confirmation that they want to do those things. Maybe we haven’t asked for the phone number yet because we’re not making the relationship or the dating about getting a phone number. We’re making it about doing activities that the other person likes. 

Step 2: Use the Yes Ladder to Continue the Conversation

Now, if you’ve done this correctly, and you’ve listed three things that you know the other person likes doing and you’ve been having a good conversation about it, there’s a much higher chance that they’ll agree to do these things with you. 

We didn’t put a specific time on it. We didn’t do anything else. We just said,” Hey, we should do this sometime.”

The minute they say yes, we’re activating something called a yes ladder. 

A yes ladder is a psychological principle where someone gets used to just saying yes to yeah, that does sound good. And every time they say, yes, they’re kind of convincing themselves. It just sounds like a better and better idea. 

Step 3: Organize Logistics

So at that point, we can start to organize logistics. Now this is where people mess up. They’ll say stuff like, “Well, how about Tuesday?” And the person’s like, “Well, I’m busy on Tuesday,” and so on.

This creates the opposite of yes ladder. It makes a no ladder where they get so used to saying no that they just reject you.

We can avoid this by asking, “What days are usually best for you to do something like this?” 

We learn what day of the week is typically the best day for them to do something like that. Let’s say Friday works best for them; not this Friday, but the Friday after. 

I’m purposely going to push it out over a week, just so that if either of us have something planned immediately, it’s not going to be a problem for them. And then I’m going to be like, “how about we go in a week on Friday?” And we go to see this movie, and we’ll grab some sushi, and we do some people watching. 

This is what’s great about this. I never said, “let’s go on a date.” I didn’t make it about relationships. I also didn’t put in “let’s go for drinks.” And I didn’t go, “let’s go for coffee” specifically. I said, let’s go do this thing. That’s people watching it just so happens. That’s what we’re going to be doing there. 

Now, this is important because I’ve avoided all of the common, “Hey, let’s go to dinner, let’s do dinner and drinks.” That’s what every other guy does, and I don’t want to come across as every other guy. I want to be somebody a little bit different.

Now we’ve walked in the date and we’ve locked in the three activities that we know they want to do then, and we’ve used the yes ladder.

I’ll be agreeable, then say, “Why don’t you text me a phone number, any complications between now and then we can text it out.” 

Getting the phone number is actually more of a logistical fix in case there’s a cancellation or any kind of change.

What’s been beautiful about this is I’ve now transitioned them out of the dating app. I’ve got them from the dating app to agree to a date at some point. Well, that’s why everyone’s on a dating app, to go and date anyway. I’ve had to have some conversation to identify the three things they care about. And now once the conversation’s completed, it lends itself to a natural conclusion, which is we’re going to go and do the three things that they really like.

And I got their phone number. As an aside, most of the time, people don’t even realize they’re giving it to you. And that is the best way to get their phone number. Now, the best part is I can text them and I can send them my first message. 

So I can be like, “Hey, it’s Adam. I’m really looking forward to going to sushi and such.” Then they’re going to respond to that. 

Now I can use my regular text message interactions and all the dating tips. 

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